12/12/2016 0 Comments
I Was Broken
This is a VERY different piece than anything I've written . It's more of a journal entry so please bare with me when it comes to the dramatics surrounding 'love' . I've said from the beginning I'd always be open so . . . here's a place I never go - let alone would choose to be vulnerable enough to share . It's not a woe is me piece , more so a brush myself off and bounce back piece .
I was broken .
In a world where it's unbelievably easy to take the low road , where it's so easy to blame everyone around us or simply feel and see the dark looming . . . I had to reassure myself that life would go on .
I sit here on my phone typing away hoping that I can truly convey how I've been feeling the past few weeks . It's far from an easy task because it forces me to relive something and relove someone .
I'll start by saying that I apologize to all of you that have remained loyal , have taken the time to read the pieces I've previously put out and looked forward to new parts of who I am . I haven't written in over a month because I didn't feel adequate enough , good enough , or that anything I'd been attempting to do was translating into the good I'd hoped to be putting into the world .
Being in like with someone is a fun thing . Being in love with someone is something I have never truly been able to describe . It's an unparalleled comfort but also has an unsettling component of fear . It's a state in which one is filled with this unfathomably powerful , delicate other worldly force - a connectivity and yet one is susceptible to being crushed by the weight of whatever love actually is .
I sat on the back of a couch at Warwick in Hollywood and the night was perfect . The Dj had us in a trance . I gazed deep into the madness surrounding me and reached a peace within myself because I had the feeling the stars aligned and all was good . One friend turns the corner and I smile . A second follows not too far behind . The world stops . A third person walks in after them and at that point , it was one of two times I'd felt the beauty of the universe . I drank to oblivion that night because the confusion and what I thought was lust , the visions and the not knowing was far too much to handle . How we ended up being introduced is an occurrence I may never remember however a series of events occurred - an uber ride between the two of us , our first kiss , arrived at an after party , played with a puppy , they lost their phone , we went our separate ways .
Fast forward .
They found their phone and after a few hours of talking sober - I realized that this person was someone my aura had been searching for my entire life . Sounds cheesy but over the years I've developed an understanding of certain distinctions . I've lived a life searching with my mind , what I thought I wanted . I've searched with my heart , what I felt I wanted . My eyes , because I thought aesthetics were primary . My dick , because I'm a guy and we're stupid more often than not . But this , this was different . I'd found someone who shared the same stardust from which I was created .
I found a happiness I never knew existed . I smiled so big . I saw galaxies in their eyes . I felt stronger . Encouraged . Loved . I was a better person for knowing them and being loved by them .
'I love u' - Them
'I adore you and who you are' - Them
'I wish I had the strength to be myself like you . . . ' - Them
'I'm going to New York to work out things with my ex' - Them
'They broke up with me . I've been thinking about you' - Them
'I hope I get to see you soon . How's next weekend' -Them
'Let's just play it by ear' -Them
'When I get free time , it just doesn't include you' - Them
'Work is just crazy right now' - Them
When I say that I was in the most horrific nightmare that I couldn't wake up from . . . that I was living in a world where the slightest touch left a bullet wound . That I could not process what or who anything or anyone was . . . in that moment that was my reality .
Here I was , the best version of myself , embarking on living a life bigger than myself , wanting to attempt to make the world a better place - essentially being told I wasn't good enough by someone that spoke so highly of me , genuinely cared about me , was in awe of the beauty that resided inside me , that said they loved me .
B R O K E N
B R O K E N
B R O K E N
B R O K E N
I didn't eat , then I ate everything . I stopped socializing for a bit . I overly socialized and got a little reckless at times . I didn't get out of bed and binge watched Law & Order SVU because somehow I was reduced to being able to identify with those victims .
I can see how in reading this yall can picture any Romantic Comedy but this hurt was real .
Fast forward .
Enough of the sadness . I know I'm a good person with the biggest heart for others . I know that this really isn't a 'me problem' . I know that the sun is -still- gunna rise tomorrow . After all of this I now know how it feels to love and be loved in return . Also how it feels to be reduced to a very low version of myself after it was taken away .
Being broken has given me a new perspective . It was something I'd never be able to address had it not happened to me . It caused me to look for distractions ; to look for good in the world . It caused me to look for the very thing I'd let this situation keep me from providing to all of you that read these . For that , again - I apologize .
I'm back to me and I love you guys .
I do not wish anything but life , happiness and prosperity towards this person . If they're reading , I thank them . I'll always love them because I now know what love means and what love feels like . I can put all that back into the world around me .
If you've been there - I know how you feel . JEEZ it sucks but you'll get through it and you'll be better because of it . . . #SomeDailyJoe
Just me... per usual.